i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
