yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
