How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
