She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
