I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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