I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
