I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
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We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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