I looked at my own cervix.
well you can't waste a boner
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize