I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
