I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
