She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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