Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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