she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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