he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
