I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
