The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
