Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
