This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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