I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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