If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
