i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
