Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
