How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
