her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
