i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
