I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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