They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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