Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
