so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
