Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
