its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
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I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
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I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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