im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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