I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
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Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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