I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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