My friends, they love my intelligence
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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