i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
