I'm sorry my penis didn't work
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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