Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
