I just made out with a guy for $7.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
