3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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