I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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