I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
