also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
