i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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