I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
