just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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