Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
