so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
