I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
