True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize