i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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