Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
