I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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