No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
two words: eviction party
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
