If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
